The following are a list of things you will hear upon publication, as well as a list of appropriate responses and thoughts:
What they say: “Oh, you have a book out? Congratulations!”
What you say: “Thank you.”
What you think: There’s nothing to “congratulate” if the book doesn’t sell well. Buy a copy, then congratulate me.
What they say: “Wow, you must be making a lot of money. What are you still doing here at (job)?”
What you say: “He he he! Guess I just like workin’ here!”
What you think: I’m not making money. More importantly, here in the United States we’re incapable of getting together and creating a universal health care program like every other developed nation. So no, even if I was making money, the prospects of quitting (job) are dim.
What they say: “Really good job.”
What you say: “Mmm-hmm.”
What you think: How would you know if you don’t read it? What if one of the chapters in the book is a treatise on how to subjugate and destroy a race of people who I believe are inferior? Then you would feel pretty bad.
What they say: “That’s interesting. Maybe I’ll check it out.”
What you say: “Sure. Just let me know. Seriously, I take copies everywhere I go. They’re in my car, littering my desk, in my computer satchel. Really!”
What you think: Oh dear god this is almost a sale. Don’t screw this up. This guy/gal’s on the hook and just needs to be reeled in oh please oh please oh please oh please …